A little bit about what has been going on with me
Rick Bonnett
17 August 2012
As we all know, I have been one to share more than I should. So, why break precedent, now?
For Christ’s sake, I have no idea where to begin?! I will start with an apology. I am TERRIBLY sorry for my silence and distance! I know a few have heard this from me before, but many haven’t, because most of my FB friends have not been as close to me. My really good friend, Amber always said that I was nicer to people I did not know so well, and I, and more prone to treat those closest to me, with less consideration and be more coarse. She was and, still is correct in that assessment. For that, I apologize for such a character flaw.
I have tried to do my best to put on the brave face since the demise of my marriage, and being laid off from a wonderful job in NY. I LOVED both so very much. They were among the most notable events in my life, and both happened within a very short time of each other.
Anyone who has known me for any time, knows that I take adverse events and laugh them off, or try and make light of them. It is my best defense mechanism.
Anyway, I am deciding to open up about the adversity that is currently in my life and has been for over a year. My current state has caused me to act like a FUCKING DICK to most people in my life, or lean on them more than I would prefer. I have tried to do my VERY best NOT to ask for help, or lean on the ones I love, and that comes from my humble (sometimes poor and working class) background. I have felt for the longest time that people should do everything to stand on their own two feet, and not accept help from anyone. Well, after the humbling events of the last year and a half, I have learned that taking help from friends and family is not a character flaw. And, most important, there is no shame in reaching out to those you consider to be a friend, for moral support.
I have stupidly placed myself into a vacuum, in attempt to try and tough it out and keep people from worrying about me. I have tried to quarantine myself from those closest, so that I don’t bring them down. All I have learned from this is that I get only so far, then I self destruct, then alienate those closest to me. Not a great plan, if you plan on keeping friends.
In this last year, after being laid off and losing a THIRD marriage, I have tried to make it on my own, as best I could. After many disappointments from empty promises for work, fruitless job interviews, giving up free work in hopes of future work that never came, I have run out of steam. Nothing is more devastating to an ego than constant disappointment, continual rejection, and a general not nice and discriminatory attitude from those in your industry, due to your length of unemployment. Even worse, when you decide to settle for a job, and get rejected by Wal Mart, Target, BK, McDonald’s, a warehouse, and a mall kiosk employer, you can’t help but get down on yourself, and wonder if you are just a piece of shit that no one would bother to pick up, even if they double bagged their hand.
After the constant disappointments, and then the prior losses in life, you really have a more difficult time maintaining that façade of the happy-go-lucky, easy going guy, and you find it increasingly more difficult to keep that smile on your faceplate. So, you withdraw, then you lose interest in activities and friends. The more you try to will the good mood upon yourself, you flounder even more. It’s like quicksand, the more you struggle, the deeper you get. Struggle or not, you are sinking and you cannot avoid it. Eventually, you find it very difficult to maintain any of your normal relationships, and eventually some wither and die, or become incredibly strained. After that, you feel as if you have burned many bridges, then you are actually alone, not sure if you can ever reach out to those you have
unintentionally hurt. Before you know it, you realize that you are in a state of depression that you cannot tackle alone. In the end, you become what train wrecks stop to watch!
I have now come to realize that I am essentially a bug trying to take on a size 12 boot. I have a better chance of nailing Christina Hendricks, than beating this depression by simply keeping my chin up and pushing through. Trying to beat this on your own is foolish. Once you are to the point that you are welcoming a terminal disease, or hoping for a deadly accident, you should know you are in trouble. That is exactly how I have felt for at least
eight months now. I am finally getting it that these are not healthy, sane thoughts. To continue on that path and to remain willfully ignorant of the problem is incredibly dangerous and deeply irresponsible.
So, I am now reaching out to the right people and seeking the help I need, and I am going to accept it. It has been one of the hardest things to get through my thick skull. For being as smart as people claim me to be, I have been incredibly dense. But, I feel better that this was a lesson learned, and a far worse chain of events has been avoided. I cannot even begin to express the amount of despair, sorrow, torment, self imposed desolation, and deep uncertainty I have endured in this last year, while trying to ignore it, and not process my feelings – all in an attempt to keep a brave face to all. Nothing is worse than letting your ego get in the way of rational thinking.
In short, I am deeply sorry to those who I have disappointed and hurt, by not keeping in touch with. This last year has been far more agonizing than I cared to admit or could fathom.
Pride is a real motherfucker! Come on, you didn’t think I could go this long without a spot of serious profanity, did you?
